Now, at 46, I find myself lost in limbo. Intellectually, I cannot fathom that anything but evolution has gotten us to this point. Science is our savior and also the destroyer of faith. Genetics, the human genome, and a myriad of other scientific breakthroughs have taken us to a place where we know almost everything about the origin and history of our species. When I compare this knowledge to Biblical myths, my rational mind cannot accept the theocratic dogma as anything but an interesting story.
But I’m also a moral coward, and cannot let go of the faint possibility that something exists beyond the death of our physical bodies. While I have absolutely no faith in the Bible or the Koran- I’m not ready to declare myself an atheist. Call it hedging my bets, but I just cannot make that leap with some of the weird things that have been recorded regarding near-death experiences and that haunting sense of déjà vu I sometimes get that I’ve been somewhere else in another place and time.
Without an afterlife, what is the value of our lives? Why should we go through the motions of being our brother’s keeper if we aren’t accumulating tickets to Heaven? If there isn’t some tangible reward for good behavior, why bother? This is a question that haunts me as I vacillate between god versus nothingness. Do the horror and atrocities of two thousand years of religious hypocrisy outweigh the threat of damnation that has kept most of us walking the straight and narrow path for centuries? If we all woke up tomorrow and declared that God and Heaven are myths, would we become a civilization of murderers and thieves?
I can’t answer that question, but I’m relatively certain that we would not, as a species, degenerate into a horde of barbaric misanthropes, ala Attila the Hun. While it is true that the Bible (at least the New Testament) has a code of ethics that we would all be wise to follow, there is something beyond the Ten Commandments that is instilled in most of us, some innate understanding that human decency is part of our genetic code, and without it, we have no future and no chance of sustaining the human race.
Several months before my dad died from cancer, he told me in a moment of candid honesty on the golf course, that he didn’t believe in God, Heaven or Hell. His revelation didn’t surprise me. He had never been very religious, despite a strict Catholic upbringing, and he was always one of the most pragmatic people I had ever known. His statement also didn’t make me feel any better or worse about his impending death. It did make me realize that we are all lost when it comes to the question of faith and the possibilities of life just coming to an end.
So, my long search for spiritual truth has led me to the brink of intellectual freedom and the fear of a life that will end abruptly, without conscious transition to another dimension. I am paralyzed. Secular humanism is the factual light at the end of the tunnel, yet I find myself trapped in a self-imposed purgatory, caught between the truth of science debunking the religious fantasy and the fear that there is something beyond the light.
I’m very uncomfortable in this place, but I’m stuck here for now.
2 comments:
Quite the dilema. I too am a near-atheist, but the slightest glimmer of hope still exists that my afterlife could possibly involve wings, fluffy clouds, and eternal bliss. But I feel more likely that my afterlife involves nothing more than the cessation of rational thought, and my body decaying back to basic elements. Not the happiest of thoughts, I admit. But for now, like you, all we can do is keep contemplating the subject. Maybe some future generation will figure it out for everyone. I just hope that knowledge doesn't create a massive moral shift. As you said, the bible certainly provides a good moral compass for us.
Take care.
TK
Thanks for commenting, Tim. The question of life after death is one of the few remaining mysteries left on this planet. My contemplation often turns to a point you made in your comments. What if some day the afterlife is debunked or proven to be factual? What happens then? Does the absence of salvation bring out the worst in humanity, or on the flip side, does the proof of god transform the planet into something wonderful that crosses race, religion and ethnicity?
The world could certainly use a big shot of "compassionate humanity" in these troubled times.
Take care...
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