The Best and Worst of 2008

The Best

1. Barack Obama is elected President of the United States.

The first African-American ascends to the highest office in the land, and it only took 219 years! Racism still permeates many layers of our society, but lets hope that Obama’s election sends the ultra conservatives, white supremacy groups, and the morons who fly Confederate flags, to a big comfy igloo at the North Pole. You want everything white? The Arctic has ten gazillion little fluffy white particles that will make you go blind faster than pointing a telescope directly on the sun.

2. Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann & Rachel Maddow take on Faux News.

After years of Fox creating “news” and spinning all things to the right, MSNBC finally got their act together and put together a great line-up to battle the least honorable news network of all time. Helped greatly by the universal interest in the competitive Democratic primaries, MSNBC gave independents and liberals an entertaining summer and fall, bashing Bush, McCain/Palin, and the “Worst Persons in the World,” Bill O’Reilly and Rupert Murdoch.

3. Americans finally came to their senses & declared that Bush sucks.

It only took eight years and string of failures that made Neville Chaimberlin look like Nostradamus, but Americans finally woke up and said "Honey, George Bush is the dumbest asshole on the entire planet!" It's to bad the voting public didn't have enough common sense eight years ago to send this yahoo packing back home to Daddy 41 and the brush piles of Crawford, Tx.

4. Watching Tina Fey impersonate Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live.

Thanks to the never-ending election cycle, SNL reconnected with its audience again, in large part because of the brilliance of Tina Fey and the incredible ineptitude of Sara Palin. Fey’s hilarious quip “I can see Russia from my house!” will stay with me until the day I die.

5. Fewer of those stupid Homeland Security “Threat” warnings.

Color-coded, so President Bush could understand that red is “bad” and green is "good," Americans didn’t have to listen so often to Michael Chertoff’s made-up litany of possible terrorist threats. In years past, every time a Muslim cleric in New York City had a bowel movement, the NSA, CIA, and FBI, would run up and down the streets crying “Code Red…Code Red!”

The Worst

1. The collapse of the American economy.

While George Bush slept and Dick Cheney plotted his course for world domination, the economy stumbled, sputtered, and then dropped dead. The house of cards collapsed in large part because of deregulation (which is what happens when lobbyists in Washington write our laws), and while Wall Street cheated working class Americans out of their investments and pension funds, the Bush administration was busy building up the military industrial complex and torturing taxi drivers at Guantanamo Bay.

2. The 2008 Beijing Olympics.

China pollutes the earth at an astronomical pace. China doesn’t allow freedom of speech or any form of dissent. China supplies the capitalist societies from the west with sweatshop labor. China props up the government of Sudan, which commits genocide in Darfur. China occupies Tibet, a sovereign nation founded in the seventh century, B.C., and holds the nation hostage.

China is awarded the honor of hosting the 2008 Summer Olympic Games.

3. The return of the pirates.

In a perfect example of why countries need functioning governments, Somalia reintroduced the world to pirates in speedboats and motorized skiffs. Wielding rocket-propelled grenades and small arms, these enterprising crooks have commandeered everything from oil tankers to private yachts, turning the Gulf of Aden into a bad “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie.

4. George Bush, Robert Mugabe, Vladimir Putin, and Kim Jong-il.

Bush- The worst President in the history of the United States, and one of the dumbest creatures to ever walk upright. Mugabe- The president/dictator of Zimbabwe. A man who has destroyed nearly everything in this beautiful country in southern Africa. Putin- A man who makes Leonid Brezhnev look like a hippy. Jong-il - Funky, chunky, bug-like dictator, who never grew up and hopes Santa will put a nuclear warhead in his stocking next Christmas.

5. The Middle East.

Will the eternal conflict in the Middle East ever cease, or at least take a little thousand year hiatus? If Jesus was still hanging out in the hills of Palestine and Israel, he would have to wear a flak-jacket and live in a concrete bunker just to hang out with the Disciples.

What a crappy year for mankind. 2009 had better be an improvement or we are all going to be living in caves or the decaying bowels of the world's mega-cities. Happy New Year!